Joy is out of the OR. I spoke with Dr. Silber who said it all whent very well. I got to see some pictures of the procedure, and the new implanted tissue. I have not gotten a chance to see her yet, but will be able to soon.
Dr. Silber had some preliminary feedback on why the previous transplant didn’t work as intended which rules out rejection, and that is great news! since it assures that this procedure will be a sucess. I will post the picures and more information very soon.
It has been a long time since we have posted any news. We have been waiting a bit to post. The last few months have been ones to given to figure out what has been happening with the transplant from February. From the results of all the test we can only conclude that it didn’t work as we intended. The reason for this we don’t know yet. We are going back to St. Louis tomorrow morning, to work again with Dr. Silber and have some of the frozen tissue transplanted. This is to have another try at what we started earlier this year. At the same time the transplanted ovary will be taken a look at to find out more information about what happened. We chose to keep very quite the last few months to give us a some time to decide what we wanted to do. If continuing on this path was what we would choose, or to try another. We both chose to continue this journey. So we are off bright and early tomorrow, and Joy will have another surgery on Monday morning.
Today Joy headed down to the lab for another set of blood tests. Since it has been more than 140 days since the operation, i am really eagerly waiting the results. This ritual of getting tests, and then waiting for the results has become a part of our lives, and though its somewhat routine now, it never get any less tense for me.
We have had our nieces Hannah and Ruby at the house for the better part of 3 weeks now. they are 7 & 5. It has taken me longer then i thought to really open up to them fully, and start connecting with them. It has been a really wild ride so far for me. One of the things that has been ringing in my head is, how would i raise our kids, what i am doing right, and wrong, right this moment with them. My head is so loud with all these thoughts, and all the time they are just amazing little beings. This last few days have been awesome, i feel like i am learning so much from them, and i am very thankful.
They ask me to read them stories at night, at first i resisted this, as i didn’t know how to do it right. Now, i love it when they ask. They cuddle up with us when we watch movies, and it just busts my hear open, even when i don’t want it. It is such a learning experience right now, how to set rules, and boundaries, and how to allow them space, and make safe space for them.
Today Ruby got a bloody nose during dinner. As soon as i noticed it, and i was closer to her than Joy, it was instinctual to pick her up and take care of her. There was so little thought, just feeling and being. There was no chatter of what to do, there was just connection and love. I think that right now i understand a little more about my parents, and other parents, and what they all do for their kids.
I just had to scan it and post it 
I was inspired a little after opening my fortune cookie this weekend to read
“A small lucky package is on its way to you soon”
it made me smile
I have passed the number of days when most all the other women have started their cycles back up. I am still waiting for mine. I know I should just be gentle with myself and let it happen when it will but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to be waiting anymore. It is having me be a bit sad right now. I know it will start probably very soon but I am just so ready for it now.
I wish I had more exciting news, I wish we were all celebrating the return of my period and the beginning of our new family. I am grateful to know that there are so many out there hoping and waiting and wishing along with me. I am grateful that you are following my story and wanting it with me.
thank you for your support
Tonight Joy and I attended “Down to a Science cafe”.
A close friend Kish has put together a monthly event in San Francisco where the science and health professionals and the community at large can interact and a dialogue on a certain topic. Tonight’s topic: fertility.
It was awesome to see two experts in the field talk in plain terms about fertility, and then see a group of 25-35 people engaged in the topic of fertility. At time people sharing deeply about their own experience, or asking questions that goes right to the heart of “hey i want to have a child, what do i do?”
It was really great to hear about the wide range of egg counts, and cycles, and all kinds of stuff that we rarely are exposed to. This was also a topic that of course is hits close to home. One thing that I kept on thinking was “wow, it is hard to get pregnant, it’s almost as if the odds are stacks against you” There were so many statistics that say, at this age, the women chances start to wane, and so forth. At times during the session, I was feeling like we are at the bottom of a mountain of statistics, and if we are lucky then maybe we will have a child. Then at a few moments later I would remember that these are doctors, and they are also human beings with opinions and personalities, and that if we always just plainly took what they said at 100%, then lots of things would not happen. In the end I was really happy to have seen such a rich dialogue take place, and I learned some about the current conversation of fertility in my local community. It was also great to see so many people there that are interested in this, and how they each are walking their own path to creating a healthy family.
I am left with this at the end of the night. It is about the patient taking charge of their own reproductive system and really finding out what they want, and where to go get it. Science has come long way in the last few years, and yet we are still at the beginning of this trek.
Check out Kish’s site for more info. http://www.sciencecafesf.com/
Time time time.
Just like joy says, we have been waiting. I though that all the hardest part was going to be the operation and all the emotions that go along with seeing your love going through a painful procedure. That was hard, and the waiting has been harder in lots of respects.
The first 60-80 days where fine, as i was really excited and had this goal of 85 days to wait.
The 85 days came and went and then some small changes happened.
By the 100 days, i wasn’t sure if i was just imagining the changes and if they were really happening. The test results during this time have been good, all point in the right direction for her hormone levels, non-the less i was looking for something more in the flesh real as a sign that its all working.
My mind goes a little nuts, making up stories on why its going to work, and why its not. It sure makes me go crazy some days.
After our conversation with Dr. Silber early last week, he gave me a better frame of reference, and now i feel much more at ease.
The waiting is still going on and we wait.
Going to get back to blogging more now as well.
When we started this blog we said we would try to post often even if we didn’t have anything going on. I just wanted to acknowledge that we have been slacking in our blogging. there hasn’t been anything going on here really except waiting. I guess I thought no one would want to hear about the waiting. but I guess it has been more than waiting. like how I torture myself with every cramp I feel thinking,”oh is it starting?” how I have been so happy for my friend who is pregnant and at the same time sad because I want to be so much. worrying that something is wrong because it is taking so long. feeling a little emotional I guess. It is the time of year when I go in to the doctors for my yearly check to make sure I am still cancer free appointment. I know I don’t have anything to worry about in that department but it doesn’t make the testing any less dreadful, especially if we have to do bone marrow biopsy(ouch). but my doctor said we probably won’t have to this year since things have been going so well.
we asked Dr Silber about the time frame, he said not to expect regular periods for at least 140 days post op. so about one more month to go.
my body is definitely on a cycle even though I have not got a period yet. I have had mood swings, bloating and all the signs of pms, and a tiny bit of spotting. I started to track the days and used a home ovulation test yesterday and today which says ( if I am reading it right) we should be ovulating in the next 48 hours. this is really exciting so we will keep the site updated.
other than that, today was a beautiful day spent with my wonderful husband. We drove up to Napa, CA and did a little wine tasting and site seeing. the weather was so warm I even wore a dress.(not typical for a San Francisco summer) now we are home getting ready to throw some food on the grill and maybe snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie, and keep waiting together.
Mothers day came and went. I thought that iI might be sad because there hasn’t been any thing happening but it was actually fine. I went to a womens circle that was about honoring women and mothers and i said my intentions of trying to get pregnant. then on Sunday I went to a Maya fire ceremony lead by the Shaman that I went on my medicine journey with. It was really great and magical space and I spoke my intention into the fire and I was asked to beat the drum through the ceremony which he said was to be the heartbeat. I felt very honored. It was a good space to be at for that day and i am glad that I went. So now its back to waiting and waiting. I know its going to happen soon so stay tuned and I will post right away!